Hello!
I am Megan Saxelby, M.Ed. I am so thrilled to be starting this newsletter for you all! I have long admired the work of College Prep 360 and feel honored to be collaborating. I am an emotional agility coach and facilitator who specializes in supporting families through adolescence, one of the most transformative stages of development.
I think one of my most important credentials for this work is that I was a nightmare adolescent. From the ages of 11-14, my Mom jokes she used to get nauseous when I was on my way home from school. I have a variety of learning disabilities, and I felt stupid, so I decided the best defense was an offense that was equal parts confrontational and avoidant. My parents joke that it would have helped a whole lot if someone had been able to let them take a quick peek into the future to see that I had two master’s degrees and was not in jail.
In many ways, my professional life has evolved as a love letter to my parents. They didn’t take any shit, but they also went out of their way to make sure I knew I belonged even when I was being a mess. One of the best ways they did that? Always making time to take me seriously, even when I was being annoying as hell. That did not mean my feelings swayed their decisions or dictated what happened in our house, but it did mean that I was always treated like my reality mattered. They made sure I knew my feelings were real and important, and that they would listen to my perspective even if they didn’t incorporate it.
However, there is a different story we tend to tell about the adolescent brain that encourages us not to take them seriously, that makes disengagement sound like wisdom. The Neurobiological Incompetence Model, a term originated by Dr. David Yeager, is the widespread belief that teenagers are basically broken, half-formed adults: too impulsive, too hormonal, and too shortsighted to be trusted with their own thinking. Yegar and others point out the damage this story does, both to kids and to us. Not because it's entirely wrong, but because the story we tell about those changes shapes how we treat kids, how kids understand themselves, and what we decide is even worth trying during this window. If their brains are just broken for a few years, you manage it. You contain it. You wait.
But here is what the actual science says: adolescence is not a period of deficit but is the exact opposite—a window of opportunity. A time when the brain is specifically, neurobiologically primed to learn about identity, about relationships, about whether one's actions matter to others in ways that will shape the trajectory of their development into adulthood. Their brain isn't broken. It's open. That is a completely different problem. And it calls for a completely different response. It outlines what kids actually need to thrive now and in the long-term: adults who take them seriously, treat their experiences as both real and consequential, and validate their feelings without necessarily agreeing with their choices, actions, or behaviors.
This research is not a call for gentle, permissive parenting. Teens thrive best in households with high warmth and high expectations, held simultaneously, without apology. Warmth and structure are not opposing forces you have to balance against each other; they are mutually reinforcing. The warmth makes the structure feel safe. The structure makes the warmth feel trustworthy. Together they create the thing kids actually need: a relationship with someone who is both genuinely on their side and genuinely in charge. Not a pushover. Not a warden. A person your kid can actually count on when they need it and safely push against when they need to stretch. This is the tension that my parents held so well and something I am forever grateful for.
Here are 5 takeaways from the research and a tip to get you started.
1. "Do I matter?" is a biological question, not a behavioral one. At the onset of puberty, the brain undergoes a measurable shift in what it finds motivating. Feeling socially recognized, valued, and capable of making a difference becomes neurologically salient. This isn't drama. It is a developmental reorganization happening at the hardware level.
Try tonight: The next time your kid does something with impact, name it back to them. "I noticed you did that." Not praise. Not a gold star. Just evidence that their actions register with another human being. That is mattering in its most basic form.
2. Early adolescence is a sensitive period, which means it's a window, not a warning. Dahl frames this stage as a genuine window of opportunity for formative learning. The same heightened sensitivity that makes teens vulnerable to feeling like they don't matter also makes them incredibly responsive to experiences that confirm that they do.
Try tonight: Write down one thing your kid is genuinely good at. Not academically, not performatively, just as a human. Something you actually admire. You don't have to tell them yet. Just notice it. The noticing changes how you show up.
3. Kids who find ways to matter through caring and contributing build identity from the inside out. When adolescents discover that their actions have a positive impact on others, their brains register it as deeply rewarding. This creates a feedback loop that motivates more prosocial behavior and builds a durable sense of self.
Try tonight: Give them something real to do that actually helps. Not a chore dressed up as a contribution, but something where their effort genuinely makes a difference to someone else in the family. Let them feel the impact. Don't immediately follow it with a reminder about the other three things they forgot to do.
4. Failing to find ways to matter has real consequences. The flip side of the mattering window is what happens when kids can't find their way to it. Dahl's framework identifies three trajectories: 1) kids who find prosocial ways to matter; 2) kids who fail to find any way to matter and develop sustained feelings of insignificance; and 3) kids who develop low self-worth or find antisocial ways to matter through aggression or disruption. Belonging, contribution, and genuine usefulness are protective factors.
Try tonight: Ask yourself honestly, does my kid currently have at least one context outside this house where they feel like they matter? A team, a group, a cause, a friendship, a job, anything. If the answer is no or you're not sure, that's worth sitting with. You don't have to solve it tonight. But you can start paying attention.
5. Parents are the original mattering environment. Before peers, before teachers, before the internet, you are the primary place where your kid learns whether their presence registers, whether their actions have impact, whether they are worth noticing. The attunement you practiced when they were small doesn't become irrelevant in adolescence. Your relationship is still the lab. You are still the most important experiment.
Try tonight: Make one moment of contact that has absolutely no agenda attached to it. No correction, no question about homework, no segue into something they need to do. Just I see you, I like you, I'm glad you're here. Ten seconds. It counts more than you think.
I'll be back next month with more research, more reframes, and probably at least one thing that makes you feel significantly better about the phase your family is currently in. If there's something specific you're navigating that you’d like help figuring out, let the team at College Prep 360 know, and they'll pass it along to me. This newsletter works best when it's answering the questions you're actually asking.
And if you want to go deeper, I work with parents 1:1 to help them navigate this stage without losing their connection, their authority, or their sanity. Coaching isn't about fixing anything. It's about giving you a map, some language, and a thought partner who has spent a long time in this terrain.
If that sounds like what you need right now, I'd love to work with you. Use this link to book a conversation!
Until next time,
Meg
