A few weeks ago, I hosted a webinar with parenting coach Megan Saxelby on a question I think about constantly: How do we support students who want to aim high without letting the pressure take over?
Because of what I do for a living, people have been asking me where my own children will go to college since they were born. I understand the curiosity, but now that they are older, I've noticed how much pressure a friendly question can carry, and how easily it makes the destination feel like the only thing that matters. If I feel it, I can only imagine how often our kids do, too.
It is so natural to want to protect our children from stress, but what we really should be doing is teaching them how to manage it. Stress is part of life, after all. It lets us know that we actually care about something and helps us focus on our goals.
So how do we give our kids the skills to navigate stress, especially through a high-stakes process like college admissions? Megan broke it down into three things teenagers need as they grow: autonomy, belonging, and purpose.
Autonomy.
When it feels like everything is riding on this, our instinct as parents is often to take the wheel from our kids so they don’t “mess up.” But teenagers build confidence by making decisions, occasionally getting them wrong, and finding out they can recover.
That doesn't mean they should have to figure everything out on their own. In fact, teenagers need what Megan calls “third spaces”: relationships with trusted adults who are neither parents nor teachers, where they can ask questions, test out ideas, admit when they are struggling, and get advice without all the emotional baggage that inevitably comes with parenting. A counselor, mentor, or coach can sometimes say exactly the same thing a parent has been saying for six months and, miraculously, the teenager hears it.
These relationships also make it easier for parents to step back. We don't have to choose between managing every detail and leaving our kids completely on their own. We can surround them with adults who know them, care about them, and give them room to develop the judgment and confidence they will eventually need.
Belonging.
In high school, teenagers often start asking what “counts” for colleges. Is this activity worth it if I won't be president? Does this count if I can’t put it on my application?
Belonging is the antidote to keeping score. It comes from knowing you are part of something, that people are happy to see you when you show up, and that others are relying on you to contribute. It is not about the title you hold but about the ideas and perspectives you bring. Not every meaningful experience needs to become an accomplishment.
Purpose.
Purpose doesn't mean a fifteen-year-old needs a career plan. It means beginning to recognize what matters to them and discovering that they have some power to do something about it. That distinction becomes especially important during college admissions, when it is so easy for the goal of getting into college to swallow everything else.
But a sense of purpose is greater than any single goal. Our students work on complex issues like eliminating food insecurity, fighting domestic violence, addressing the youth gambling epidemic, narrowing the achievement gap, and advocating for criminal justice reform. A student who cares deeply about the work they are doing has a reason to keep going when they face a setback, and that reason doesn't disappear with an acceptance or a rejection.
Fostering these three traits helps a young person say: I can do this. I matter here. I can contribute. I can make a difference. This is what ambition without anxiety looks like.
Colleges also happen to find those qualities compelling, but that is almost beside the point. They are the foundation of a capable, healthy, and engaged adulthood.
Supporting our kids in their ambitions doesn't mean clearing every obstacle. The hardest part, I am learning, is accepting that success eventually means making ourselves a little less necessary as parents. We are still there, still paying attention, and still ready to step in when it truly matters. But more and more, our job is to give our children room to discover they can handle this without us.
Watch the webinar recording here.
More soon,
Joie Jager-Hyman, Ed.D.
